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It was the issue with Dallas Sean on the cover, branded with the alarming headline: “The VIRGIN Bachelor.” Do what now? You know that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a virgin, right, have sex in college, he embraced religion in his twenties and no longer believes in premarital relations.” Ah. Tell me more about how one could have sex and still be a virgin. But is not about cultural exploration as much as it is about using foreign lands as elaborate sets, so I suppose we’ll never know. But after yammering about how swimming into a pitch black cave in the middle of the Andaman sea is just like being in a relationship, she climbs atop Dallas Sean’s back and they dog paddle their way into the cave. LIKE MITHRAS, I HAVE BEEN BORN FROM THE ROCK, AND I EMERGE FROM THE CAVE ANEW.
“‘He’s a “born-again virgin,”‘ continues the source. Look, I don’t want to step on anyone’s beliefs or insult a deeply personal and religious choice that Dallas Sean has made, but you can’t just go around calling yourself a “virgin” if you have had sex! I respect your decision to abstain from sex, and everyone is entitled to decide that a choice they made in their past was a mistake and consciously choose to not make that same mistake again, but once you’ve done something, you can’t undo it and pretend that you haven’t done it, and go around proclaiming that you are in that category of people who have not done that thing. And also please know this: it’s difficult to take one’s “born-again virginity” terribly seriously when one is constantly being filmed rubbing one’s waxed nipples in the shower whilst porn music plays. (Unless I spent five minutes on google, but who has time for that.) And they eat the dinner and they think about those damn monkeys and the bright pink baby chicks and just as Presumptuous is about to tell Dallas Sean she loves him, The Producers release a bunch of Thai dancers who then perform a traditional dance for the couple. And they hung their hopes on the fantasy suite dates, the first time the Bachelor can spend a night alone with each of the ladies sans cameras.” Yes, go on. Splashing around in the dark, splashing around in the dark, splashing around in the dark, and then suddenly they come upon an exit that opens into a tiny private little grotto. So then they have dinner in this little pagoda on the beach, which I have to say is a far cry from the LED-covered floats and flowers made from flower petals and Thai dancers with long fingernails that Presumptuous was treated to.
Episode four of Hindsight brought us to Halloween where Becca “bumped” into Andy in perfect matching costumes! While we sweat Becca’s lovelife, we’re attempting to keep up with the ’90s music as we long for those days of Slap bracelets and the “Macarena.” Check out our handy list of songs here and stream the official playlist below!
Deadeye Dick – “New Age Girl” Liz Phair – “Supernova” Dishwalla – “Counting Blue Cars” ANW – “Youth Service” Violent Femmes – “Blister in the Sun” Chuck Berry – “You Never Can Tell” Bryan Adams – “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?
Our current set consists of alternative rock hits from the 90s and 00s with a few wild cards thrown in for maximum danceability.
Dallas Sean will be fully pantsedly and chastely sitting next to the three remaining ladies in a place called “Si Kao, Thailand” which makes me giggle the entire evening because this: “I’ve got a question for the sea pig…” Dallas Sean wanders around Sea Cow in a tank top, wistfully montaging the remaining women: New Age Girl is nerdy and funny and silly and apparently has a fetish for climbing atop Dallas Sean’s back while he does push-ups. She literally does it in every scene with him: riding his back on the beach, riding his back in the snow, riding his back in her living room while her grandmother watches. That bit of prop business taken care of, Dallas Sean presents Presumptuous with the Fantasy Suite invitation and she’s like YEP. This doesn’t stop him from handing her the “let’s just cuddle” suite invitation, and Aschuh Lii wrings her hands and pulls her hair and worries that he is going to think that if she accepts, that she’s type of woman, before being like, YEP, LET’S GO.I suppose this is how you work out your kinks when you can’t take off your pants? Why is it that Scarlett O’Hara was sent back to Tara for not telling Dallas Sean that she loved him, but this nutjob with a David’s Bridal account was kept around? Dallas Sean then explains that Presumptuous told him that she would try any food but bugs, and therefore he is going to make her eat bugs because this is a healthy relationship and all boundaries are respected. Leave the line “Worst Fears” blank on your applications, because I GUARANTEE YOU The Producers will make you do whatever it is you fill in there. But you needn’t have worried so much, Pastor’s Daughter.) Aschlay is intense and emotional and MY GOD DOES SHE EVER QUIT CRYING? (Dallas Sean literally — I counted — used the word “crazy” 4 times in his Presumptuous montaging.) This decision is so hard for Dallas Sean! Oh, she told him she was “falling in love” with him, which is “I love you” lite? Dallas Sean and Presumptuous head to a market, and Dallas Sean is remarkably affectionate and comfortable with her, kissing her repeatedly on the ride there. So Dallas Sean brings Presumptuous to the bug vendor where they eat shish kabobed grubs and deep-fried crickets and Presumptuous manages to not throw up all over Dallas Sean’s flip flops. Or better yet, put something that you love down on that line: back massages, eating chocolate, being covered in puppies. They then have dinner beneath what are described as “traditional Thai floats,” but I don’t know what that means. Let me read you another passage: “‘The women didn’t see it [the no sex-having] coming. All that fuss and hand-wringing was for naught, augieh Sley!We at 90s411 love it and have it in heavy rotation. " The pumpkins were actually in the second "New Age Girl" video (a first had been shot on the cheap in Atlanta and never made it on MTV. I have travelled much of the world (both before, during, & after Deadeye Dick) and have never visited a more musical place.The pumpkin video was paid for by RCA, who licensed the song for the soundtrack — if I’m not mistaken, there was a bit of a pumpkin thread running through the film. I saw you reference your music as something that sounds like "the wind whippin’ past your face as you blast down a winding road with the top down on a perfect cool spring day." Well put. To what extent do you think your New Orleans roots are responsible for that? New Orleans drummers are a special and magical breed, as are our trombonists.